I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
id be glad to
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
