Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
