that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
