Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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