There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
