3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We left the knife in your bed.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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