nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
