i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
