I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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