For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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