I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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