Don't make out with my wife yet
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
