I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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