Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
