i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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