I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
