Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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