Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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