your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Randomize
