just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
