Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
