dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
