They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
