When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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