My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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