This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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