i just snorted my name. best moment ever
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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