I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
even my farts smell like vagina
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
