Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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