someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize