Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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