some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
