i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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