I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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