youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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