How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize