There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
