i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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