you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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