i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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