you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize