God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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