I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
