Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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