i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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