Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
