I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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