all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
