someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
