just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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