Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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