Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
