I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
