We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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