I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
