seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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